A cHiLd (tinyearthgodess) wrote,
A cHiLd

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so, im totally fucked up, sorry guys

tuesday night was filled with a like 4 hour period of time in which i have absolutly no recolection and in my period of oblivion i managed to really fuck shit up. some of the thing ive heard that i did include, almost punching sams car window out screaming let me out of the fucking car im going to jump out i want to die, i fought with dimitri sometimes violently in the kitchen outside in the middle of the street and all over the house he said i punched him in the stomach, i had a tantrum to the point that eric had to hold down my arms and yell my screams down to drunken sobs, managed to end up on the ground in the seabras parking lot , punching bryans car seats, puked, got carried up and down stairs cuz i couldnt even walk, danced dirty with some chick and flashed the guys on the porch, hummmm this is what i remeber, having a good time having a good time waking up and wondering why i was still drunk why my hand was swolen and brused why my sholder was really sore why the picture frame was broken where all my stuff like my computer and drawing shit went, so i asked the questions and thats what i found out my night was and apparently the thing that triggered my tantrums was having a bottle of capitans taken away from me when i was 10 beers deep after 4 hours which isnt bad except three beers in 2 hours gets me pretty damn drunk, the conclusion i probably shouldnt drink like that ever again, n i feel so stupid because i KNOW my limits and i usually cut myself off at a decent period after the first episode at dimitris i was in such a good mood that night i didnt go and start drinking with any anger or emotional baggage, i thought, so now im thinking i really need to seek therapy now, but they'll just tell me to never drink again cuz my family's history and my now second black out night i dunno man i didnt think i was that fucked up anymore i thought i sorta had my shit together but i was just a little sad and pesamistic, but i think my drunken psyche is tryin to tell me i got some bottled up shit cuz my upset was triggered by being told i couldnt drink more but it escalated to the point where from what i heard i was basically just really suicidal and i didnt want to tolerate any part of my pathetic life, it probably didnt help that i was really sick monday with like a fever so i probably didnt have a very good system tuesday, im really really not happy with the whole thing but i guess its better that i dont remember any of it cuz then id probably think i was really fucked up like all the chaps that witnessed my gross display, sorry guys
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