A cHiLd's Corner of the garden maze

> Slaps in the face
> tally marks on the bark
> others that exist in my mind
> a simple mind
> innocence
> earlier 20 sheadings of wings

Sunday, October 16th, 2005
7:49 pm - how bout an entry
soooo this semester is at the midterm im assuming since i have an exam wed and such...and the semester has been great a lot better than last year i'm feeling more comfortable and i <3 my friends no wonder i was so miserable all summer without them if only i could keep tiff n dimitri in boston with me, then id never leave. but of corse i would not write an entry without having things to complain about so here that all goes, WORK in both cases school and job are both not on my side... im currently sort of unemployed since i havnt handed any sort of schedual to fuller and i dont answer my phone when they call to see if i want to work ive been looking into some babysitting or something in boston but im not ambitious enuf to persue and i need the lack of a job to get the school work done, i am getting more and more homework which unlike most doesnt consist of reading or papers or presentations but huge drawings and tiny paintings and drafting drawings and paintings and all this crap that im not too good at prioritizing yet but hopefully all will go well and i can keep my 3.0 in hopes of studying abroad next year.....and well thats good on that for now, back to the positive. heidi is an awsome roomie, we just got a bunny well she did but im the co mommy cuz its so damn cute and fun to watch dart around the apt. only downside and this is a positive sometimes but we like never see eachother cuz of conflicting scheduals and boyfriends haha but thats always the case it seems. as for dimitri and i, all is well still a little one sided concidering i drive to amherst and back pretty frequently but when he comes home its to come home and not to come to boston he has still yet just come to boston to see me even though he has a bus ticket that he won for free that takes him to and from boston from amherst but whatever im just happy when i get to see him and happy i have someone to bitch to about my days on the phone every night even though he hates it and i guess i'm not a very good listener when it comes to phone conversations cuz i either stop listening or interupt him when he's talking but i'll work on that.....i think we are gunna get married or something terrible could happen and we will never talk to each other again because i always feel the impending cloud of doom looming over my head in everything that surrounds me.............but i suppose thats good for now hoorah hoorah :)

current mood: blah

(1 dance |make a farie dance)

Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
8:59 pm
day one, done, no comment, just thought i should post since i dont have any beer to drink

(make a farie dance)

Monday, September 5th, 2005
7:17 pm - and so it begins.....
here for year two, last night was a good time but unfortunitly im not going to have many weekend nights here because im going to be going home for work and when im not doing that im going to be going to amherst to visit dimitri.....i dunno if this is gunna work i dont want to go to my classes tomorrow im starting to get depressed i dont even want to go out anymore.... i hope i can make some friends in my classes this semester but that probably wont happen either. im still wishing i had money cuz i have no way to even try and do anything. i dont have any clothing. i need to shower but i forgot my towels at home :/ i forgot my cell phone charger at home too so i had to go out n get a new one today and thats all i did with my day.....im going to go rot more because thats all i can think of doing....wasting useless hours alone, this is why i wished dimitri were close so id have someone to waste time with, you think less about how much everything sucks when your with someone you love....whats the good of being with someone if you cant be with them?

current mood: blah

(1 dance |make a farie dance)

Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
8:26 pm - and now its time for a break down....never gonna get it
let me see... been workin on the units, just finished my orientation shifts so im a certified MHS now, whoot whoot, dunno what im gunna be doing once school starts though i'm thinkin of just comming home and working a double every sunday or something so then i still have thursday friday and sat to live it up....things have been generally good, no complaints i dunno i never have anything to say anymore..... i miss my friends from school and our dance partys and smoking on the charles with drewbie....but when school rolls around i'll miss hanging out at allards and going for rides and most of all i'll miss my dimitri......

current mood: okay

(make a farie dance)

Thursday, May 26th, 2005
12:54 am - re-cap
soooo things are good and things are bad but i have enuf of both to balance and keep me going for a while...
-first year of school all done and i managed to complete my first year with a 3.05 GPA and some new knowledge of a variety of things like how to paint better and how to grocery shop and deal with shitty laundry situations and cram for exams and write a 5 page paper in 3 hours and how to make awsome friends like heidi and colls all those who attended the jers night and drew n pat n more and hopefully more to come, i learned how to draw from life a little better and i somewhat learned about art and artists in general, in retrospect i am very pleased with my first year and am anticipant of my many more to come...
-as for this summer, a few issues i am broke but working on that but here is how bad my money situation is right now, i owe my mom 300$ for my first car insurance i have a 600$ debt built on my credit card, my bank account was over withdrawn and now holds a total of -35$ i have a car insurance bill for 226$ due early june and my next check isnt due till june 3 which will only be for 200$ if im lucky cuz unfortunatly i didnt get many hours my first few weeks back from school, i need to save up 550$ for housing next semester and i want to save some money for a spring break trip this yea and the montreal trip at the end of the summer
-to solve this problem i went in search of another job and found one at the place i cannot leave, fuller so i shall be working on the units as an MHS which pay 3$ more an hour than my cooking position and offers many hours to people like myself who are so poor they are always willing to work, so i'll have money but on the downside there will be days that i work 6am-2pm cooking and then 3pm-11pm MHS, rough stuff but hopefully i'll have something to show for it at the end of the summer...
-friday dimitri and i go to NY viz bus because my car (which i bitched and moaned to put back on the road) is going to explode and starts to overheat within 5 min and the engine starts to smoke within 15 so i cant even drive it to work :/.... and my heat stopped working but whatever so yea going to NY via bus to chinatown and then going to sox yankees game, sooo excited and then even better sat we're gunna go with heidi to the museam of modern art and then maybe greenwich village or something....
-but my baddest and saddest news, not that anyone else really cares or sees it this way, is dimitri.....is......going.....to.....umass.....amherst....:( got a ton of different feelings, hopes, fears, ect all attached to this one giant dilemia, but i'm going to cross that bridge when i get to it.....for now im tryin to concentrate on this whole really shitty money situation and shitty car situation and im crossing my fingers for a day soon that will be nice and warm and i wont be working so i can escape to the beach and bury myself in the sun and fruit and a good book and a world and a life that isnt this one....but i am happy, happy enough, if only i could fix my sleeping and eating patterns but i think id have to stop smoking so much to do that and i heart my herbal remedies far to much for that

current mood: bored

(make a farie dance)

Monday, May 16th, 2005
2:33 am - youve been robbed
First best friend: amy arsenault
First car: edgar, my beater turboGT
First kiss: lips, john agasteni, tongue, matty black
First screen name: haha kidrock428
First Album: sheryl crow
First pets: fluffy, the cat that isnt really fluffy
First piercing/tattoo: ears when i wasnt even a year old and tattoo, the ohm on the back of my neck
First musician you remember hearing in your house: beethoven


Last car ride: home from dimitris
Last kiss: dimitri
Last good cry: its been a while, i cant remember the last time i let it out
Last library book checked out: oh god i dont even know i just buy books and read them once then let people borrow them and never care enuf to get them back
Last movie seen: in th theaters, sin city unfortunately
Last food consumed: umm combos in my car
Last phone call: to dimitri probably
Last time showered: this morning
Last shoes worn: my seashell heels
Last cd played: a burnt mix of envogue n genuwine and lame stuff like that
Last item bought: gas
Last annoyance: madre
Last time wanting to die: this morning when my face was burried in the toilet cuz my face was burried in cans last night
Last shirt worn: one of my RUE shirts that says something stupid
Last website visited: live journal, facebook
Last word you said: good night
Last song you sang: your so vain
What color socks are you wearing? none
What color of underwear are you wearing? blue
What time did you wake up today? 7 then 9 then 1130
Where do you want to go? bora bora
What is your career going to be? artist
Where are you going to live? anywhere thats not the united states
How many kids do you want? 2 adopted
What kind of car(s): lotus elise

Current mood: indifferent
Current music: itunes on random, right now its on big pun still not a playa
Current taste: cigarettes
Current hair: long carmel colored cuz it doesnt want to stay dark
Current clothes: hoodie, jeans, slippers
Current annoyance(s): being poor and not having anyone to go to boston with me tomorrow so i can get my micro n TV
Current desktop picture: spncer tunick photo
Current book: none at the moment im hoping to buy premavera and estacia soon

Your Birthdate: April 28

Your birth on the 28th day of the month (1 energy) adds a tone of independence and extra energy to your Life Path.

The number 1 energy suggest more executive ability and leadership qualities than you path may have indicated.

A birthday on the 28th of any month gives greater will power and self-confidence, and very often a rather original approach.

Unlike much of the other 1 energy, this birthday is one that endow with the ability to start a job and continue on until it is finished.

You may prefer to use the broad brush, but you can handle details as well.

You are sensitive, but your feeling stay somewhat repressed.

You have a compelling manner that can be dominating in many situations.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

somewhat true in both, odd...

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 80%

Greed: 60%

Gluttony: 20%

Lust: 20%

Pride: 20%

Sloth: 20%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 31%

You will die at the hands of a jealous lover. How ironic.

current mood: blah

(make a farie dance)

1:59 am - take it, or leave it
sometimes i feel like im grown up, its weird...i have a lot on my mind but id like to keep it there for a little while longer in hopes of sorting things out and perhaps reach some moment of clarity...... tiff, yardsale sunday? i called but no answer, i'll leave a message on myspace too, muah

current mood: lethargic

(make a farie dance)

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
10:50 am - blah
2 days and one exam day left............im so skrewed :/ and i still can't get my ass to go to art history

(make a farie dance)

Saturday, April 30th, 2005
5:41 am - ugh
so i woke up at 7 cuz my sister called the house phone, and i dont have my cell or an alarm clock at home so i couldnt go back to sleep cuz i have to be up by 930 to work at 10 and after being woken up if i go back to sleep i have to sleep for at least 2 hours but its hard to wake up regardless... so i'm up and ive been up and i have nothing to do...so LJ entry.....the summer is almost here, 2nd semester ends wed and my exams are both on tuesday the 10th and then im free (not really cuz i need to work my ass off and make some money)..... friday is prom which should be alright, i wish i could embrace the attleboro high scene a little more but eveyone sucks so much, d n i are goin to this party afterwards in which i have very bad feelings about, over 30 AHS lameos getting drunk in north kingston, not only am i going to be trapped an hour away from home but with people i dont like at least 3 i bet will get alch poisioning and an ambulance will get called or cops are gunna go and stop the retards from fighting and puking in the front lawn and yea, were sleping there? or not sleeping? and then making an attempt at going to a concert the next night, i dunno it all makes me a lil ehh, and i know for a fact, even if the party stays decently under control, dimitri is gunna be too busy paying attention to everyone else and i'll be sitting drunk in some smoking section (probably outside) alone the whole after even not to mention at the prom, i'll probably dance around the floor with steph while dimitri walks around the tables talkin to his boys and flirting with his girls, i dunno im real uneasy about the whole even the closer it gets to its actual happning. i guess its just since i had such a shitty time at my prom last year not to mention the no so great after parties taht ensued both mine and dimitris proms last year...... well whatever im sure i'll post with how it goes... on a lighter note, i got d n i tickets to see sox yankees at yankee stadium the end of may and im getting a hotel room for the night so it'll be a lil semi romantic get-away filled with beer and baseball and jeers from yankees fans, it should be a good time im excited except ive already put myself into 350$ debt on my credit card for the tickets and hotel and my shoes and purse for prom.......back to the school thing, like i said im not doin that hot this semester, i can't take anything seriously, its still all just a joke to me its still high school its still 8th grade even though its not, but i just cant get any sort of drive going, hopefully i can improve on that next semester, but hers how it is, death and immortality, im failing straight up i have an F first time ive ever failed a class, all through my schooling thus far, my lowest grade was a c+ in bio freshman year, ive never gotten below a C+! and now since i think its still high school and i can fuck off and do no work, i shock myself with a grade that should be no surprize because it is a perfect refelction of my attitude. drawing, i have one last one due wed and we've had a month to do it and i still havnt started it i left all my drawing supplies at school and monday i commited myself to beer pong so that leaves me with tuesday night from 7-11 to do a drawing that ive had over 4 weeks to do....and ya know what my attitude is telling me fuck it just dont do it, and i cant decide if im gunna even try, ive defeated myself..... i also have to make up a shit load of classes for my sculpt and strech class, i cant let myself fail a class that involves sitting on a mat and touching my toes just cuz i couldnt get my ass to show up...i dunno im a mess and im getting more and more poor as the days go by, i currently have 60$ in my bank account, a 70$ phone bill to pay and like i said 350 to pay off my credit card, its gunna cost me 700$ to reg my car again and to insure it and i only have 60$ in my bank account :/ i dunno im doing really shit at this whole life thing, living is over rated, life IS dukkah

current mood: disappointed

(3 dances |make a farie dance)

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
11:53 am
so i wanna go on a lil vaca mid to late aug (tiff im lookin in ur direction if you wanted to save up a few hundred bucks) one thing i was thinking of doing= montreal i found a few hotels that are in the 100 range a night for 2-4 people (2 queen or king beds) sooo with a group of 4 it wouldn't be more than 30$ a night and we can drink there a major plus OR my other idea since i have my credit card finally ive found that i can book a hotel online no problem even though your supposed to be 21 but if its booked online the hotel cant do anything about it sooo i was gunna get a room at a hampton beach hotel and just stay there and get really tan and maybe have someone come visit and make a stop at the NH store on the way, it would be sick, either way a good time and some what affordable i can drive to either place but montreal would be a bit of a hike but a hella good time, anyone interested in comming with? im just dying to go on a vaca this summer to get away before i go back to school, blah school, speaking of which, i should be there right now but im not cuz i wanted to watch the price is right and cuz im too cool for school......2 days till my birfday bitches :)

<----leonardo! hes so yiddle!

current mood: crazy

(3 dances |make a farie dance)

Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
6:46 pm - hip hop horray ho hay ho
soooo sweet party last night gunna get the pics on my webshots and myspace soon prolly by the end of the week..........bonnaroo is now oficially a no go :( cuz id have to take too much time off of work and since i only have 30$ in my account now, i really cant afford to take any time off of work.... school, is school, still cant get myself to enjoy it or get any more done or go to class so i'll probably have some pretty shitty grades coupled with an extremely shitty GPA but whatever the degree is all that matters, and a painting degree isnt going to matter anyway, i dunno im gunna always be poor im never going to own nice things and i'm beginning to accept that and care less and less

current mood: gloomy

(make a farie dance)

Friday, April 22nd, 2005
4:38 pm
for lunch i had pita bread hummus and gatoraid, being poor is so cool

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Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
12:14 am - fuck you 844 beacon laundry machines!
WORST EXPERIANCE OF MY LIFE! so im trying to do laundry cuz i hade no clothing left and im not joking my only clean items consisted of a few socks that didnt have pairs and about 4 t-shirts that i never wear but was starting to cuz i had nothing else, so i had lotsa laundry but i managed to fit it all in one washer at about 9 i then put them in the dryer at 930 at 1030 i went to put my bed stuff, sheets pillow cases comfiter pillows and mattress pad, i put all that in the wash started up an went to the dryer to take my cloths out an guess what, i tried to use the broken (but without any indication that it was broken) dryer, so then someone still had cloths in the other dryer and someone had cloths in the other washer that were done and waiting for a dryer so me, trying to be nice waited for my bed stuff to dry anf put everything in the dryer for 40 min and the dryer ate another 3$ in quaters of mine...... i take my stuff out 40 min later, everything is still wet not even damp, im talking WET sooooo i turned the common room into a drying room but my bed stuff is still soaked so i was like i'll just wait the hour till the other kids laundry is done and i'll dry my bed stuff for another 10 15 min.....i went down to check how much time the kid had on the dryer, yea he put his shit in for 90 min! so i put my pillows in with his stuff for 10 min but they are still wet, everything is still fucking soaked and my ass needs to sleep NOW cuz i have the day out of hell tomorrow ( meeting with prof at 830 class 9-10 class 10-1 class 1-2 class 2-5) and i still need to wait for my shit to dry, make my bed, and fold all the cloths in the common room, so my ass isnt gunna get a wink of sleep untill about 3 which is just so fucking awsome, and at this moment, i completely and utterly hate my life oh yea and to make it worse theres a beer pong party in one of the basement rooms right next to the laundry machienes and i got to sit out side and listen to everyone having a good time.........again, i loathe my exsistance

current mood: irate

(make a farie dance)

Friday, April 8th, 2005
7:56 am - and heres to you mrs robinson

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

mr jackhammer has returned to the corner of beacon and andrel to make my mornings full of loud and obnocious noise from 7am-10am, i am thriller :/

(make a farie dance)

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
9:01 pm - bored
Stolen from KRISTA!
Put your playlist on random. Name the first 25 songs that come up, but add "In My Pants" to the end of each title.

1. Red Alibi in my pants
2. A Favor House Atlantic in my pants
3. I Love You Mary Jane in my pants
4. Shameless in my pants
5. I Feel Loved in my pants
6. Drunkship of Lanterns in my pants
7. Gimmie That Nut in my pants
8. Naked Eye in my pants
9. Mouth in my pants
10. Post Modern Sleaze in my pants
11. Fish Fuck in my pants
12. Rescue in my pants
13. Climbing up the Walls in my pants
14. You Are So Beautiful in my pants
15. Her Lucky Pretty Eyes in my pants
16. I Touch Myself in my pants
17. Consumed By Laziness in my pants
18. Vacant Skies in my pants
19. All I Could Do Is Cry in my pants
20. Hairspray Suppository in my pants
21. I'm Dying in my pants
22. Mastermind in my pants
23. Bitches in my pants
24. Air in my pants
25. Not an Addict in my pants

(1 dance |make a farie dance)

Thursday, March 24th, 2005
2:56 pm - a re cap of the the past few weeks
well ummm not too much is going on, this semester my problem isnt in my art classes but my academic classes im teetering on a c in art history due to a paper in which i recieved a b and an exam in which i recieved a c- another test and paper to go but man, i dunno the teacher for this half of the semester is nuts and REALLY hard to follow but at least im tryin to go to lectures now, and death and immortality, well i got a b on the first paper for that and then a 65 on a quiz which is apparently a c- so one more quiz one more paper and an exam for that class but i dont have the books for either of those classes cuz i never bothered to get them so im kinda putting myself in a shitty position as usual and my art classes are ok i just have a habbit of not going to those as well, and its not like i dont go to do cool things i dont go and just sit around and get fat but it will all work out i'll either do alright but pull my GPA way down or i'll end up failing something and have to take it again next year since all the classes ive taken thus far are required for my graduation but whatever....

on another note..... absolutly nothing, been drinking a lot lately not something to brag about or be proud of just something ive been doing to occupy my time, as long as i dont need it to solve problems, then i dont have problems.....im getting poor again even though i worked those extra days my account will still hit zero before my next check, im gunna work 2 jobs this summer and bust my ass but i'll still be poor all of next school year and im never going to go home.........

my baby is doing well, both dimitri and leonardo :) dimitri is still waiting to hear from some schools it kinda scares me, if he goes to UMASSamherst like his mom wants him to and like he will if he doesnt get into or want to go to BU or Northeastern then we wont suirvive which raises the question will we even be together this summer or will he pull that well i want to be free the summer before i go to college bullshit like some people i know did last year, i dunno its kinda sad, kinda exciting especially if he does end up comming to BU next year cuz then we can hang out like nuts and stuff like we did before i came to school even though we do see eachother a lot now but thats all courtesy of me going to attleboro cuz getting him to come to boston is still a bit of a hassle so i sorta gave up but since its such a hassle for me to get him to come here from attleboro i know it'll be impossible to get him to come see me from amherst and i dont have a car anymore so how the hell would i go see him but i guess he isnt even bringing his car there if he goes, so ya see all these problems............i just wanna love him while i can hopefully that'll be forever we've had some deep intellectual relationship chats about marriage and kids and stuff and i can see myself with him forever but he still feels like hes missing out on something opr those were the vibes i got i dunno its hard to read him sometimes

enuf mushy crap, i wanna go to bonnaroo but im poor and i dont have a car so im still looking for someone whos going so i can get a tick and go with them and have a killer time

well good for now im heading back to attleboro for easter or something everyone be good MUAH

current mood: blah

(1 dance |make a farie dance)

Monday, March 14th, 2005
10:08 pm - boohoo bonnaroo
sooooo bored! lets get this all out her........ spring break, wasnt much but i did do some cool stuff like bought my prom dress and i got it hemmed and i worked a lil extra so i'll have money to buy shoes and accessories, got dimitri an ipod for our 2 year, he got me a tortoise, i named him leonardo when he gets bigger (hes only a hatchling now) im gunna make him a sick ninja turtles outfit it'll be so cute i cant wait but the thing could possibly outlive me if i can get it through this first week, hes been scared so he hasnt eaten yet but hopefully that'll be just a phase.....i hate cassidy gale, god that bitch pisses me of cuz she tries so damn hard and sean is a brainwashed fuck im so dissapointed in that kid but not much more to say on that......may or may not be going to bonnaroo sara from downstairs really wants to go and shes willing to drive even though i cant really afford tix i really wanna go more for the road trip than the fesival since shitty bands like DMB and OAR are gunna be there but whatever the mars volta and modest mouse, sick nasty... since i didnt go anywhere for a senior trip and i didnt go anywhere for spring break i think i should go on this fuckin trip and if not im just gunna steal a car and drive to mexico or something.........MSI in aprin, MARS VOLTA in may, 58 days of classes left things are looking golden at the moment

lets see, what else ooooo i got a credit card, with a 2,000$ credit line! how the hell that happened i dunno but im gunna have to fight some urges to splurge cuz theres no APR for the first 6 months so i could really fuck myself but pay it off without interest as long as i can pay it off in a half year, i think i wanna look for a place that does boob jobs for 2,000 and just charge it, that would be sick

i need a new piece and a greenhouse so i dont have to spend my money on the usual it really is breakin my bank since i only work two days every other week ive really noticed how i should be using that money for groceries and art supplies and books and i feel like a loser spending it on other things, but im still pissed about the government robbing my blind with my taxes so fuck the law.

classes are decent im getting back into my whatever mode where i dont care how much my drawings or painting suck and i doubt i'll start going to art history again especially if i did decent on the last exam cuz i only went to two lectures two discussion sections and one review section but i still dont even know what i got on my paper cuz i wasnt in class when we got em back but the paper sucked and i handed it in a day late so im thinkin a c- meaning i need to get a b+ on that test i was bullshitting my way through before break and then aim for a b or b+ on the next paper and tests, going to lecture would greatly benefit my situation, but i just cant get myself to go... death and immortality is a joke when i go to that i just sit there and do the BUFREEP crossword (im getting sick at them) but yea i got a b+ on my first paper in that class we have an objective quiz on thursday which im thinking will be cake and then another quiz and paper and a final which is like a few short essays but the class is all just ideas again really easy to BS i dunno i really done with this school shit i really wanna take a year off but no way will it happen unless i stop carring to the point that i get kicked out for failing shit haha i probably could afford to take some more english classes but fuck it


i guess im done for now

gnight all

current mood: bored

(3 dances |make a farie dance)

Thursday, February 24th, 2005
8:18 pm - link 2 my pics

(1 dance |make a farie dance)

6:08 pm - so, im totally fucked up, sorry guys
tuesday night was filled with a like 4 hour period of time in which i have absolutly no recolection and in my period of oblivion i managed to really fuck shit up. some of the thing ive heard that i did include, almost punching sams car window out screaming let me out of the fucking car im going to jump out i want to die, i fought with dimitri sometimes violently in the kitchen outside in the middle of the street and all over the house he said i punched him in the stomach, i had a tantrum to the point that eric had to hold down my arms and yell my screams down to drunken sobs, managed to end up on the ground in the seabras parking lot , punching bryans car seats, puked, got carried up and down stairs cuz i couldnt even walk, danced dirty with some chick and flashed the guys on the porch, hummmm this is what i remeber, having a good time having a good time waking up and wondering why i was still drunk why my hand was swolen and brused why my sholder was really sore why the picture frame was broken where all my stuff like my computer and drawing shit went, so i asked the questions and thats what i found out my night was and apparently the thing that triggered my tantrums was having a bottle of capitans taken away from me when i was 10 beers deep after 4 hours which isnt bad except three beers in 2 hours gets me pretty damn drunk, the conclusion i probably shouldnt drink like that ever again, n i feel so stupid because i KNOW my limits and i usually cut myself off at a decent period after the first episode at dimitris i was in such a good mood that night i didnt go and start drinking with any anger or emotional baggage, i thought, so now im thinking i really need to seek therapy now, but they'll just tell me to never drink again cuz my family's history and my now second black out night i dunno man i didnt think i was that fucked up anymore i thought i sorta had my shit together but i was just a little sad and pesamistic, but i think my drunken psyche is tryin to tell me i got some bottled up shit cuz my upset was triggered by being told i couldnt drink more but it escalated to the point where from what i heard i was basically just really suicidal and i didnt want to tolerate any part of my pathetic life, it probably didnt help that i was really sick monday with like a fever so i probably didnt have a very good system tuesday, im really really not happy with the whole thing but i guess its better that i dont remember any of it cuz then id probably think i was really fucked up like all the chaps that witnessed my gross display, sorry guys

current mood: weird

(1 dance |make a farie dance)

Monday, February 14th, 2005
5:29 pm - st valentine will you be mine
soooo the weekend was killer went party hopping friday and sat shopping sat and sunday pretty quality today in drawing class sucked painting was cool though my paintings looking pretty cool and as for tonight and celebrating my love, i'll be taking a nap and then watching tv and then smoking pot and then going back to bed, woohoo my life is so awsome (sarcastic) well thats a perfect update if i ever did see one, PS i'm really sorry colls n sarah but next weekend is my weekend to work n i might even be going home on thursday night and not returning till monday night if all goes as planned, but that almost never happens but SUPER HAPPY 6 MONTHS!!!


current mood: blah

(2 dances |make a farie dance)

> earlier 20 sheadings of wings
> to the opposite of bottom